*TRIGGER WARNING*: sexual assault/abuse, rape, kidnapping, violence/murder
Hello lovely friends, I hope you are managing to stay well at this awfully messy time. I’d get comfy and grab a cuppa for this one, because it ended up being a long but very important post. I was conflicted about writing this post because I never thought that I could give Sarah Everard the justice she deserves, but I couldn’t sit here and not say anything when it is something that has kept me up every single night.
I have linked some contacts for support at the end if you have been affected by recent events and need someone to talk to.
I haven’t written a plan for this one, but Sarah Everard has been on my mind since she first went missing and she is still the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. There is so much to say, and so much I still don’t have the strength to say. However, it feels wrong for me to not write anything at all, when this kind of topic is the precise reason why I use this little blog.
I’ll start by telling a story. Those who follow my Instagram will have seen that I posted this on the night that “human remains” were first found (before they were identified as Sarah Everard’s).
Just over a year ago, I fell out with a friend. Having not seen each other for months, we were supposed to meet for drinks the next day and we were checking plans over text message. A little later, after being out with another friend, I was planning my route home on my own, in the dark. I called him, bearing in mind we had just spoken, hoping he could stay on the phone with me if I walked home alone. I didn’t get an answer – I got told off the next morning for calling him. He had been in bed with his girlfriend and told me the call was inappropriate. He cancelled our plans to meet up and I never heard from him again.
It doesn’t bother me that I lost a friend that night; what bothers me is how someone could be so blind to the fear that women go through when doing something as simple as walking home. Anger flew amongst my girlfriends the next morning: I remember one saying “if my boyfriend got a call from a friend at that time of night, I’d make sure she was okay and if she was in your situation, I’d say, ‘let’s get our jackets and go and get her’”. I was very fortunate to have another wonderful friend take me to her house that night, but the events have haunted me ever since because I can’t help wondering what might have happened to me if she didn’t look out for me like that.
As the Sarah Everard story becomes even more chilling, I’m going to remind everyone, but especially men, to please, please protect women. Stay on the phone with them until they get home; walk home with them no matter how safe you perceive their route; cross the road if you find yourself walking behind a woman; hold other men accountable. Do whatever you can to help us feel safer because while you can go for a peaceful walk at any time of night, we can’t go anywhere without having to calculate it – even more so following the involvement of a police officer in this case. I stopped running a couple of months ago after to being followed by two men, in broad daylight, close to my house. There’s a reason why this story has struck a nerve with so many women – we all know how the fear.
Sarah did everything right: wore bright clothing, called her partner, walked on main roads. Predators are everywhere and women are never crazy for being cautious of that. So please; if a woman calls you and it’s late at night, she may be in some sort of danger. It’s not a booty call and it’s DEFINITELY not inappropriate. Answer the phone, or if you can’t, check on her at the first opportunity because it’s not about you.
My heart aches for Sarah and her loved ones. I can’t imagine what that night must have been like for her. We should all be going to bed with a grey cloud over our heads tonight; I’ll be lucky if I can sleep at all.
Little did I know, this was the very beginning of a massive conversation.
The response from men
Whilst it has been heartwarming to see so many women supporting each other as they speak up about their experiences, the magnitude of the issue is absolutely abysmal. What hurt me most was the number of people (let’s be honest, predominantly straight men) who were deliberately obstructing the conversation. I have been touched by the response from some men who genuinely seem to understand the points that are being made, but there were still so many negative responses from other men. Under the following tweet alone, I watched in agony as women explained it to men who were either unable to read the tweet properly, or were deliberately missing the point.
I couldn’t stop thinking about this tweet after I saw it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man so wonderfully aware of how deeply this issue runs. It was very refreshing to read, and I can only wish all the men in my life were like this. However, you don’t have to scroll for long to find plenty of people on the wrong side of the point and spouting all kinds of abuse. As I scrolled through the many, many, MANY men who were dismissive of women’s experiences, I realised they would never respond well to confrontation. Playing dumb is the way to go in this case as people usually see how ridiculous it sounds when they have to explain it (this also works for other situations such as sexist/racist jokes). So, I present to you, this young man with the dreaded “not all men” approach:
Much to my surprise, he eventually stood down. What was frustrating is that it probably didn’t change his internal narrative around this situation and he is one of so many people with these views.
This said, what frustrated me the most this week was the men who weren’t saying anything at all. Sexual assault and harassment isn’t just about the perpetrators but also the people who see dangerous behaviour in their peers and don’t say anything about it. A clip from Daniel Sloss’ 2019 comedy show has recently resurfaced as it discusses this exact issue:
The change doesn’t come from posting one thing on your story. It comes from knowing which behaviours to look out for and doing something about it when you see those behaviours. It comes from you calling out your peers when they make a joke that isn’t okay; it comes from admitting the roles you have had in perpetuating gender violence; it comes from signing petitions and educating children. It comes from the ground up.
“Men are scared on the streets too”
…and what are men scared of? Yes, other men!!! I’ll admit I would be VERY surprised if a man felt their stomach tighten with the fear of being attacked as they walked past a group of girls. Of course, female violence against men happens too, and I have not seen a single woman who has dismissed that, but the problem is that men only seem to want to raise male issues as a way of derailing conversations about women’s issues specifically. Both conversations absolutely deserve to happen, but no one seems to start the conversation about female violence against men unless it’s in response to people speaking about male violence against women.
Now, I’m going to attach an image here which some people may find very uncomfortable to read, but I think it’s important to share because I will never forget how it made me feel.
This is why so many women are making the point about crossing the road. Yes, crossing the road isn’t going to solve every problem, but what it is going to do is make women less scared in the moment. The fact that men like this exist is so frightening and if you can do anything to prove to a woman near you that you are not that kind of man, please do it.
“Whose fault was it?”
I’ve made this point before in a previous blog post about rape culture at universities, but this line from Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale has been on my mind yet again. Atwood herself said that there is “nothing in the book that didn’t happen, somewhere” (I hope my A-Level English teachers are proud of my contextual knowledge there). In this scene, Janine is blamed (horrifyingly, by other women) for the fact that she was gang raped as a teenager. It’s very hard to read and the scene is worsened by the fact that it is completely realistic behaviour.
I can’t believe the number of people who have questioned why Sarah was out alone at that time. 9pm really isn’t very late (consider going out for dinner at 7:30, you would be very unlikely to be back home by 9pm), but Sarah was also careful in ways that I have not always been. I have been out plenty of times in black jeans, a black jacket and black shoes – I wouldn’t even think twice about it. I would walk with headphones in, I wouldn’t think to walk past CCTV cameras and I would wear shoes that weren’t suitable for running away from someone. Perhaps that stems from naïvety or just plain stupidity but it hurts so much to know that she did all the things I never thought to do and she still got attacked. There have been times where I almost deserved it; Sarah absolutely did not.
The people that blame the victim are very unlikely to change. It feels like a waste of energy to argue with them. What we can do instead is take the tiny but very important steps which are needed to prevent these events in the first place. I can promise Sarah and every other woman who has been hurt in this way that if I ever grow up to have a son, he will do better.
Why men need to defend women
A couple of years ago when I was out with a group of girlfriends from uni, a man tried to grope me from behind. I didn’t see this happen – I didn’t even see the man – but I was pulled away by other girls in the group. I was told afterwards that one of the girls had told him to get away from me, and guess how he responded? He spat in her face. I have never forgotten that event and will always remain indebted to the girl that stood up for me that day. It was actually the first time I had met her! The situation may have turned out very differently had it not been for her and to this day I am incredibly sorry for what he did to her.
I know that he may have responded differently had a man been the one protecting me, because ultimately, a lot of men only respect their own. I would love to see more men call out that kind of behaviour in the future, because women already do it for each other but as this story shows, it is not enough.
The people that we aren’t talking about
I really urge you to do your own research on this because as much as I would love to list every name here, I simply cannot, and every single person deserves the same respect and exposure. There are so many other women, especially women from minority ethnic groups, that did not get this much news coverage and did not get a proper investigation into their murder. Women are often not believed when they speak up about their experiences; we need to do better and we need to create a society in which women can feel supported when they flag an issue, whether that be in their relationships, in the workplace, or on the street.
As I realise this post is getting quite long, I will end by saying this: though the loss of Sarah’s life should have in no way been the catalyst for this change, I hope with all my heart that we can give her and her loved ones the justice and legacy she deserves. I am pleased to see that women are banding together and that change is already happening. To all men reading this: crossing the road away from a woman you’re walking behind probably won’t make much of a difference to your life, but it will make a huge difference for a woman. What will make an even bigger difference is recognising your role in perpetuating the small things, because it’s not enough to just not be bad – you have to be good.
Thank you, if you’ve made it this far – it’s been a long one! I’m sending everyone all the love in the world at this very exhausting time. As always, my DMs are always open on Instagram, Twitter and LinkedIn if you’d like to talk about anything that has affected you or if you wanted to send me your thoughts. This week has been incredibly tough for women and marginalised genders, and social media in particular is an absolute minefield at the moment. It’s such a mentally draining time and it’s okay if you need to step back from it all, or reach out for help.
Here are a few useful contacts:
The Survivor’s Trust
Helpline: 0808 801 0818 / website
Survivors UK – Male Rape and Sexual Abuse Support
National helpline: 0845 122 1201
National Stalking Helpline
Helpline: 0300 636 0300
There are many more services listed on the End Violence Against Women website.
(Featured photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash)
Thivya K 